Staring into the everything bagel…
This is not about the Academy Award-winning movie released in the spring of 2022. Toward the end of the movie, in the very famous multiverse montage where Michelle Yeoh’s character stares into the everything bagel, we see infinite possibilities unfold before our eyes as she experiences the multitude of possibilities that could have been. This is an attempt to recreate that, albeit with words — a feeble one for sure, but an attempt nevertheless to pay homage to all the different possibilities of my life that could have been and, in retrospect, thankfully, that did not.
Originally, I wanted to pen something down on the eve of the third anniversary of me leaving India and moving abroad. But as I gather my thoughts and my anxiety into this blog, I feel this is an ode to all that could have been, that was, and that thankfully was not.
On September 26th, 2020, I moved to Spain to work for Amazon as a Software Engineer in the Books team. I still remember vividly the anxiety that I felt on moving away from the comfort of being in India — having a flow of money that kept me afloat, being able to speak a language and get work done without struggling to communicate. I remember feeling anxious about moving from the DevOps role that I was good at doing for so long. I was dismayed at the prospects of having to throw away all the work I had done for all those years and move across the world and down level my job because that was the only role I was offered.
I remember being worried about how I would survive the first few days of my life in Spain with not more than a thousand euros with me. I recall almost falling victim to a fake real estate agent, nearly losing my deposit money. Then, I found the house I wanted to live in, finally settling into a place I could call home. I remember the first time I received some money to help with my relocation, and I splurged on kitchen essentials and warm duvets at Ikea. The cab driver kindly assisted me in unloading all the things into my house. I recall walking to Puerta del Sol in Madrid for the first time, sipping hot chocolate, and thinking to myself that I had finally made it here after almost a year of all the paperwork hurdles life threw at my face. I remember the warmth that life bestowed upon me during my time in Spain, healing every little nook, cranny, and corner of my soul.
As I melted in this warmth, I emerged at the end molded into a new man. I, Sandeep, slowly became Santiago and then finally Santi. In this transformation, I discovered that I was not any one of these three but all of them put together. Do not mistake this transformation for the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. I still very much am the caterpillar crawling my way through each day, sometimes barely making it to the next one. While Sandeep, Santiago, and Santi were put together, all the lines, creases, and imperfections were not hidden or smoothened; these actually make me human.
When I tell people I moved to the United States from Spain, people ask me while making small talk how my life in Spain was. I don’t know what they expected me to answer, but when I tell them Spain changed me as a person forever, I certainly see some raised eyebrows.
I love Spain, and I have no qualms about admitting that I miss it dearly. I miss walking down Passeig de Gracia during Christmas, I miss the crowds on the Ramblas, the Mediterranean beaches, maybe even the cold Atlantic shores on the north at Biscay, and the slow leisurely pace of life. I miss slurping up a ‘chocolate con churros’ at San Gines. The mountains of Sierra Nevada that rise over the horizon in Granada, the hot scorching plains of Madrid, Sevilla, and Cordoba, the Collserola that hugs Barcelona and offers the best views of the city, the castles of Segovia, the wonders of Gaudi, the layered ruins of almost every city — where now stands a church, there was once a mosque, and before that a Visigothic church, and it all started with a Roman temple. I dearly miss them all.
Well, by now, given that it is certain I want to go back and live this multiverse again, you may begin to wonder — is it only for the country and its rich history? In other words, is it just the bling and glamour of living in Spain that entices me? I don’t think so! In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with the people I have met in my time in Spain. The simple pleasures of playing ping-pong or going rock climbing after work, sitting down to have dinner every Friday together, planning day trips or trips to even other countries and actually going through with them, failing at learning to float and still inadvertently recreating the famous Pieta with a friend in Mallorca, and being able to live and work so closely with each other that you really feel like a family — family that you can really count on when you make mistakes and feel vulnerable with to learn and grow!
In contemplating my life in Spain, I realize that it has been a pleasant and unexpected pitstop. It wasn’t a conscious decision but rather luck smiling down on me. As the saying goes, sometimes the journey is more beautiful than the destination, and perhaps this is what they mean.
While I am confident that I will always find my tribe of people wherever I go, the happenstance meeting of individuals from all over the world in Spain has not only made me an evolved person but has also shaped me in ways I could not have earlier imagined. My life in Spain served as a magical fountain of time from which I drank deeply, quenching my thirst for life, love, and unbridled laughter.
As I now wander away from Spain, I carry with me the knowledge that I will one day return. The magic of Spain, its rich history, and the bonds forged with people from diverse corners of the globe will, undoubtedly, draw me back. It’s not merely the allure of the country and its glamorous past; rather, it’s the simple pleasures, the camaraderie built over ping-pong games, rock climbing adventures, shared Friday dinners, and the collective experiences of learning, failing, and growing together.
Thus, my time in Spain becomes not just a chapter but a foundational piece of who I am — a testament to the transformative power of unexpected journeys. While I step away for now, I carry Spain in my heart, knowing that when the time is right, I will return to let its magic heal me and make me whole once again.
